Top 25 Bizarre Shoes of the Internet
OMG What Are These Shoe Designers Thinking?
I haven’t figured out quite what the shoe designers really are thinking when they create these bizarre shoes and I can only speculate, in satire.
If you are planning to wear any of these shoes, be very, very careful indeed. I don’t think they were designed for humans...
1. Ice and Metal Queen Heels
Not only do you get to hurt yourself, but now you can spike anyone near you with these rather fabulous-but-bizarre looking shoes. Be the hottest ice queen on the dance floor, with heels reminiscent of Superman’s icicle palace or maybe sharp teeth and broken mirrors.
Either way, you’ll be mistaken for some sort of sado-masochist and only the very strong alpha male (or possibly a hideously subservient one) will approach you. Good for getting rid of wimps and geeks, they just won’t go near these because they’re too much for one sentence.
Verdict: Wear in an ice storm, in an igloo hotel, on a dancefloor if you don’t want to pick up much, or if you’re chasing after Kryptonite.
2. Cowgirl Heels
If men call you a cow, they can wear it in the teeth with your new hooves. Made from real hooves and fur, you can take revenge on behalf of all cows ever made into hamburgers. Give him a clop to the nose to teach him a lesson, and if he gets up from the ground, you can always fire the heel gun at him. Pair with a furry cowgirl skirt and a rodeo hat for good effect. You can always store the bullets in your bra or on a necklace around your neck.
Verdict: Wear these if you want to teach men a lesson they probably deserve.
3. Mafia Funeral Halloween Oxfords
I know many men who would love to wear these, simply for the interesting footprints left behind. Perfect for Halloween, funerals and Mafia meetings, you’ll love the way you can add new gold teeth as old teeth drop off or get kicked out. It’s also really interesting the way that walking around in greenery and brownery will make the teeth look realistically decayed. Dog poo never looked so good!
Verdict: These shoes are ideal for killing rodents with—just be sure the guts don’t stick between the teeth, otherwise you’ll have to floss.
4. Human Hair Heels
Designed in Sweden, from the plaits of 45-year-old deceased Swedish milk maids, these heels have hilltop maiden written all over them! Wear with a red chequered plaid skirt, blue cape and long plaits of your own to assist the overall intended design. Not only will you feel good wearing some scalped woman’s hair on your feet, they do feel lovely against your bare skin too.
Verdict: Wear for any Sound of Music theatre production or when you are going out to milk the cows and goats.
5. Hamburger Sneakers
You’ll love this silly sausage of a shoe! But in reality, it’s a hamburger, not a sausage, and things can only go downhill from there, especially when you leave tomato sauce dribbled on the white carpet in a trail to your wardrobe for your mum to find.
If you look closely, you can see that a lot of effort has been put into making the laces look like peeled cheese, which is quite weird, considered we’ve all probably never peeled cheese in our lives.
Verdict: Wear it to the local fast food restaurant for a date. Or wear it to advertise for your employer, the fast food restaurant.
6. Alien Fluid Heels
As if some catwalk women weren’t ugly enough already, someone saw fit to design these fluid-like heels that blend well with black stockings to form an impression of….something inhuman. Praised by Scientologists everywhere, the Alien Fluid Heels are a great talking point at science fiction conventions, dianetics sessions and anywhere high fashion resides.
Verdict: If you wish to bend your spine into a fluid position to match the shoes, you’ll be pleased to know that they are very useful for that purpose. Wear for permanent disfiguration.
7. Dead Rat Slipper Sneakers
They’re not quite sure if they’re a sneaker or a slipper, a diseased rat or a dead rat. You’ll have tons of fun scaring relatives with these during the holiday season! And if you don’t have a pet, you can always put the rats on your lap and pat them. Just don’t put them near any real pets like cats or dogs, or you might find them mangled in the morning.
Verdict: A perfect disguise for feet that smell bad or have fungal infections—they’ll think it’s the rats. Keep these shoes beside the hostel or hospital bed for maximum impact.
8. The Olive Oyl Shoe
If you’ve ever thought about dating a man who likes his spinach, this is the shoe for you. It is also a big shoe for leg fetishists. Imagine a pair of legs in these shoes and the strange shape they would make where you expect to see a face. Very bizarre. Very trendy. If you have hairy ankles like me, you know you’ll be the talk of the local haberdashery store.
Verdict: A good, sensible shoe to wear when shopping or cooking during the day. Wear with a knee-length or mini skirt. Expect lots of strangers to stare at your legs.
9. Antique Brass Floral Wedge Sandals
A fantastic gift idea for the lady who has too many antiques! Not only are they full of baroque curly bits that will need daily dusting, and weekly wiping, but you can be assured she will need to exercise her thighs properly when walking with the weight of 8kg of brass attached to her heels. Maybe it’s a good gift to get rid of her (you can run away quicker). Or an even better gift to get her in shape. Either way, all you have to do is say “yes dear, you look stunning in them,” and "don't take them off! I love them on you," from time to time.
Verdict: For the lady who needs a man with a serious inheritance. Wear to auctions or moonlit Shakespearean productions.
10. Zipper Shoes
An interesting idea for a low heel, or indeed for anyone’s heel that already sports a hefty callous, rendering it immune to ziplash. I’m not quite sure why a designer would create a shoe for warm weather with wooden soles that you slip in with sweat, allowing the metal zips to heat up in the sun and eat away at your ankles and heels.
Maybe you are supposed to wash your feet in the ocean as you traipse down the beach or rinse them in a pool? But surely salt water, chlorine or sweat would not react well long term with the zip function? There are also other questions, like how to get the blood out of the stinky straps later.
Verdict: Wear if your feet are tired of being comfortable and you want to really hurt them for a change.
11. Cloven Toe Boots
Made especially to order for Bjork fans, these cloven toe boots are actually quite comfortable, apart from the part where your toes separate in the middle. Picture yourself wearing them in the Arctic while you skin the blubber off a whale, or maybe wearing them to a pagan festival with a horned masque. You’ll look like an animal of some sort anyway.
Verdict: Wear these boots for skinning animals, or if you’re not quite sure if you belong to mankind.
12. The Blobby Foam Shoe
Appearing to be the most deceptively comfortable shoe in this collection, the Blobby Foam Shoe can be compared to walking around in a beanbag without beans in it. However, the angle on the ankles is a little tough, so it’s probably best if you become a ballerina first. The good news is that your foot will be supported whether you are lying down, sitting or lounging on a couch—you can throw out the feet seats, ottomans and cushions and just go aaaaahhh (or maybe arrrrgggh!) at the end of a long day’s walk in these.
Verdict: For ex-ballerinas and people who like to practise boxing with their feet.
13. The Chunky Architectural Munster Wedge
Learn to walk like Frankenstein! This wedge will assist greatly as you lurch from your local Ikea store to the latest minimalist upcycled furniture convention. Made with materials usually found on modern armchairs, the Architectural Munster Wedge will have you unrelaxed in no time and even the furniture will hear you coming from miles away.
As an added bonus, you'll also be able to explain to ignoramuses that the new building they made last year in the local metropolis was actually designed with your shoes as the inspiration.
Verdict: Wear these if you want to tell the world you are a post modernist with strong ankles, architectural tendencies and a loud physical presence.
14. Minature Scene Sneakers
A sneaker for the man who loves dioramas. Custom build a 3D minature town scene onto your shoe, so you can feel like a god for a day. Notice the brown earth base colour used on the sneaker—if you look closely, you can see the miniature railway tracks going around the sole.
Feel free to add your personal touch with mini LED Christmas lights, a model railway, a snowy mountain or even a tropical island with palm trees, pirate treasure and sharks. You’ll get a lot of interest from just about everyone with these sneakers—but don’t play football in them!
Verdict: For men who like to stride around in charge of their own private world.
15. Spiky Hairbrush Heels
Why carry a hairbrush, when you can just whip these heels off your feet and brush your hair with them? Made for the feminine masochist, these heels were made to hurt everyone, including the wearer, and not just on the head. Be careful not to prick yourself as you slide your feet in and don’t cross your legs while wearing these.
Verdict: For the woman who wants to scream “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
16. SciFi Metal Felt Confusion Clogs
Attend your next science fiction convention with confidence in these felted metal clogs. They look sort of sci fi, but don’t seem to represent any particular branch or movie so you’ll be able to blend right in whether you go as a superhero, magician, futuristic leader, wasteland survivalist or space hero. Wear them with a white or silver jumpsuit and a little pair of wings. Carry a light sabre, a metal rod or a bag of holding. The choice is up to you—to make it as startling as possible.
Verdict: For the all round science fiction geek.
17. Duck Duck Goose Heels
Continuing on with animal-themed shoes, the Duck Duck Heels with cause all sorts of quackery at any serious event. Wear them to garden parties, market shopping or even a wedding if you don’t want to be a bridesmaid ever again! As you can see in the picture, they are best paired with white stockings. A yellow or white feathered hat helps a lot too, as does orange makeup.
Verdict: A casual heel for those who want a little fun about town.
18. The No-Heeled Heel
Invented as a way to save on shoe costs, the No-Heeled Heel is missing one of the most important parts of the shoe. While it is an interesting and unique idea, the lack of a heel in this unusual footwear design may feel strange when walking. A benefit would be that the person behind you won’t kick your heel as there is none to kick, while a problem with the heel could be that it feels unbalanced and you might fall over!
Verdict: Do not wear when drunk.
19. Mole Slippers
Very furry, very realistic. Mole Slippers are perfect for those who like to hide away in their beds, eating nuts and worms late at night. Made from taxidermied moles, you’ll find that smelly feet fit right in with these slippers, as they are so disgusting that no one will want to look at them for long anyway. Pair them with a fur dressing gown and a fur balaclava for a fur party.
Verdict: For solitary individuals who prefer not to share their shoes.
20. Goose Heels
While this season of bizarre shoes seems to be incorporating lots of birds in it, let me present the Goose Heels, which will make you feel quite the goose if you were to wear them anywhere other than on a goose farm. With feet and legs in them, they look rather ornamental, kind of like you are forcing a goose into the ground. I imagine they would be nice in summer, matched with a floaty lacy white dress.
Verdict: Wear to a farmer’s meet, farmer’s market, farm dance, goose farm lawn party or just feeding the geese.
21. Boxing Glove Boots
Loosely defined as “boots” but more like slippers, these boxing glove shoes are a supa dupa hit with anyone who wants to make a statement about boxing or kickboxing. The interesting shoelace formation on the heel and sole allow for sweat to escape from the feet, so the fighter in you can keep at it in the ring and still have traction!
Verdict: Great for a boy’s night out, where you might want to kick someone after a few drinks.
22. Back-To-Front High Heels
If you’re the sort of person who enjoys confusing people, these very, very high heels will help you achieve that. I’m sure these shoes were born in a Romanian hostel after a heavy night out on drugs – whoever she was, she was lucky she wasn’t trying to put on her underwear. Since then, these shoes have escalated to catwalk fame and fashion and like all catwalk footwear designs, are awfully uncomfortable and painful to wear.
Verdict: Great for art shows, modern design shows and any shows where the weirdest object wins.
23. Naughty Clogs
Never have wooden clogs been so popular in Holland! The manufacturers of these clogs knew what would sell and went for it. I’m still trying to figure out why there’s a bubble right on the front aureole, but other than that I can see that both men and women would adore them—men for the obvious reasons, women because it makes men leave the real thing alone. And I guess if you ever tire of them, you can always plant tulips inside and display them proudly on your windowsill.
Verdict: For wearing to silly parties, or just around the house.
24. Prison Heels
At first I thought these heels were supposed to be a Dominance theme, but I changed my mind after looking closer and seeing the rust on the chains. Obviously created with decades of hard labour in mind, the Prison Heels immediately attract images of slave labour camps and chain gangs in the earlier part of this century. Apart from the actual shoe bit of course. I don’t know if the chains are welded into place to make them stand as a strong sole on their own, but it certainly looks that way.
Verdict: Wear these if you are in charge of a bunch of worthless prisoners. Or if you are visiting sailors at the docks.
25. Spunky Monkey Sandals
They look cute. They make you look adorable. But they snag everything you walk near, from the neighbour’s prized agapanthus to the local school’s playground rubbish. Custom made for people who like to collect trash, you’ll find on windy days that the blowing papers and leftover food wrappers that get caught in the monkey curls will reap some real delights for your collection. If you can upcycle a curly chair arm as a tail to match, you’ll really be able to rake it in!
Verdict: Great if you want to be like a monkey, ie., smelly, scampering around and cleaning fleas out of your clothes.
© 2013 Suzanne Day