Jorge is a hairy guy with years of experience carrying a jungle of fur on his mug.
Good Reasons to Grow a Beard
Any reason to grow a beard is a good reason.
You know, I always found it funny that people even need reasons to grow a beard. If you think about it, hair just naturally grows out of your face for no reason at all (if you have the genetics for it, of course), so the question isn’t really why you should grow a beard—it’s why you would shave it off in the first place!
If you do nothing, hair grows. A beard is the default position. You have to do something to remove it, after all. And who wants to do something when you can just be lazy and do nothing?
This brings us to our first reason why growing a beard is a great idea:
1. Beards Are Convenient
If you have a beard, this means you haven’t been shaving, which is one less thing that you have to do in the morning when you wake up. Think of all the time you save by not scraping a sharp piece of metal over your skin every single day of your life.
Now, some people might say, “Actually, no! Having a beard is a pain because then you have to take care of it with beard oil and lotions and potions and—”
That’s where I would interrupt and point out an obviously false premise: that you have to “take care” of your beard. That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying you have to “take care” of the weeds that grow in your yard. They take care of themselves!
Similarly, your beard just grows. Maybe people say that you have to “take care” of it because otherwise it will be messy. Of course it’s messy! That’s what a beard is supposed to be like; it’s a forest of hair on your face. Trying to make it pretty defeats the whole purpose of a beard, which is to frighten people when you walk by them on the street.
2. Beards Make You Look Hairy and Wild, Like an Ape
I was going to say “like Tarzan,” but Tarzan didn’t have a beard because instead he had all the time in the world to shave his face. Either that, or he just couldn’t grow a beard.
If you want to add an extra flavor of the untamed wilderness to your look, then nothing gives you that ape-like flair than growing a beard. Thump your chest while you’re at it.
3. Beards Hide Blemishes on Your Face
You know what else is a waste of time? Putting on acne cream or worrying about any flaws on your face. Why not just grow a beard instead and never think about it? Beards are the best cure for vanity.
It doesn’t even have to be a specific blemish that you’re trying to hide. Let’s say that your whole face is a blemish and you consider yourself to be hard on the eyes—a beard will cover at least half of that travesty and give you a new lease on life. This is actually why Abraham Lincoln grew a beard, after a girl wrote him a letter to tell him that he should cover up his unattractive mug with whiskers.
4. Beards Strike Fear Into the Weak-Hearted
Are you antisocial and want people to cross the street to avoid you in public? Nothing says “I have fleas and know how to use them” like a scraggly, unkempt beard. People will be in awe of your power and will quickly move to get out of the way.
Either that, or they’ll assume that you stink or something.
5. Beards Make You Look Intellectual
This one seems counter-intuitive because you wouldn’t think the same thing that makes you seem like a skull-crushing badass would also make you look bookish, but it certainly can. If you think about it, it makes sense. Intellectuals are so deep in thought all the time, they don’t have the time to shave, and so it’s only natural that they’ll develop scraggly beards. Lots of great philosophers wore beards.
6. You Can Store Things in Your Beard
If your beard is sufficiently long, you can even start storing things inside of that small grove you have on your face. Actually, many times, your beard will catch stuff for your, like portions of your food that fall from your mouth while you’re eating. This way, you can save part of your lunch and have it later.
You might even be able to store less substantial things, like a tattoo. Who says that you can’t get a job if you have facial tattoos? No problem, just grow a beard over it and no one will be able to see it. If you get a tattoo of a beard, even better.
7. Beards Can Distract People From Your Head If You’re Balding
Hair is hair, right? Draw people’s eyes away from your thinning hairline and down to the thick, growing, healthy locks on your chin. If you’re able to grow enough hair on your face, you might even be able to snip some of it off and make your own toupee. It might be a little coarse, but it’s better than a shiny melon, right?
8. Beards Keep Your Face Warm in the Winter and Covered During the Summer
One of the most practical functions of a beard is of course to protect your face from the harsh environment during the colder seasons. Why stop at protecting yourself from the cold, though? A beard can also keep your face from roasting in the sun during the warmer months, too. If you’re going to the beach, that’s a handful less sunscreen that you have to use.
9. Beards Catch Flying Insects That Would Otherwise Land on Your Face
Hate getting bit in the face by mosquitoes? Give them less surface area to land on by growing a beard. They’ll get trapped in all those fibers and be unable to find their way out. At the end of the day, wiggle your beard and count all of the bugs that fall out.
10. You Save Tons of Money on Razors
Even with new innovations in the market, I still say that disposable razors are kind of a rip off. Even electric razors can be an extra expense that you have to deal with. Stay out of the rat race by avoiding razors altogether and going natural. After all, if nature intended for you to have a clean-shaven face, it would have gifted you this privilege already, wouldn’t it? Who are we to fight nature with our flimsy safety razors?
Be Natural, Be Hairy
While you’re at it, there’s no reason to groom any of your body hair at all. Just as with your beard, obviously it’s all there for a reason. You can argue with millions of years of evolution if you want, or you can go with the flow of life and throw out those silly notions of presentability. Body hair is good; it lets you retain that natural musk and overwhelm potential mates with your pheromones.
Don’t listen to people who say it’s unattractive. Obviously, they are just deluding themselves. Our ancestors were hairy all over and they seemed to have done just fine, so pay your respects to the apes that came before us and stay as furry as you can!
© 2018 Jorge Vamos